Our house was filled with glee and rage in equal turns this week as news came in from E3. Craig and I latch on to any kind of news related to the gaming industry in the same way hardcore sports fans do for their hobby. And E3 … well, it’s become like the NFL draft. So let’s get on it with it, shall we?
Microsoft … A name I hate to love and love to hate. At first glance I was as entranced by the formerly named Project Natal as anyone. I feel like Kinect has the power to breed a new race of casual gamers, bridging the gap between nerds and non-nerds by just a hair’s breadth. I have to take a page from Tycho’s book however and agree that it’s just not for me, or Craig for that matter. As for the new 360 Slim, I just won’t have the wool pulled over my eyes. I’m not going to invest $300 on a product that doesn’t do anything but shimmer. If I want to beat my head against a brick wall and buy products (whose purpose is already served in my home) just because they’re the prettiest thing on the shelf, I could do it for much cheaper. Yes, it looks gorgeous, but I’m incredibly sceptical. The fact that it’s “Kinect ready” won’t encourage me to buy as I’ve already stated Kinect just won’t fit in our home. They’ve removed all of the red LEDs in order to rid themselves of the Red Ring of Death stigma that has haunted each of us in turn, but that’s not going to prevent it from malfunctioning just as often as its predecessor. Supposedly its operation is “whisper quiet”, but as someone who has grown up experiencing every level of gaming from PC to console to handheld, those noises are 30% of the experience. Telling me your new console is a shiny, quiet hunk of metal is like trying to sell a kindle to a librarian. If someone wants to purchase the Slim for me, I certainly won’t look a gift horse in the mouth. As for buying it myself? Not going to happen.
Nintendo brought their A game. I mean, really, they came to the table with something for absolutely everyone and proved all over again just why we all proudly represent the red logo. Like so many of you, I grew up with Nintendo but strayed many times over the years in favor of seeing new worlds on other consoles. We had a Wii until last summer, milking every drop of joy we could out of it until there simply wasn’t anything left for either of us to play. After the expansive and jawdropping list of games, from both the home team and third party developers, I will certainly be investing in purchasing a new Wii. And on top of an already frosted cake they dropped the 3DS. I’m sorry, but at that point everyone else could have just gone home. 3D gaming experience without glasses FTW. Not only did they bring a revolutionary experience, they put it entirely in control of the viewer. You can’t ask for much more.
Sony needs to have their gag reflex removed. I’ll apologize just briefly for the vulgarity of this next statement, but JESUS. All they managed to do was choke on the collective dick of the gaming community. Thank you for giving us technology that’s been around for over three years and simply not giving a shit about your consumers. Watching their executives take a giant dump on the stage probably would have been more entertaining than listening to the stream of bullshit that was released. Not only did they rape our aural canals, they managed to seize Portal 2 in their sweaty grasp and I am certain they will proceed to squeeze until every last dollar is milked. Good game, Sony. Now get the fuck back to the minor leagues.
As promised, here is a comic inspired by Microsoft’s announcement that the Slim doesn’t contain red LEDs. Upon hearing that I began to think of all the terrible moments in my life associated with the color red. We give you this offering to whet your appetite until Monday. And speaking of appetite, since I have to wait to play Skyward Sword can Blizzard release Cataclysm already so I don’t rot and die from lack of stimulation? I hear the closed beta is just around the corner…
“This was a math project!” haha awesome comic!